Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accurate

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Tough love is true love

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

I love it

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

i’m so sick of this guy

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.