Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.