The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”