The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.