Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more