Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

A classic…

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Don’t forget to tip your server

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?