Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces surface like Versace*

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Britain be like

*updates tinder bio*

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

i now pronounce you bounced.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something