the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
He instantly became one of the bros
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
You don’t even know
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty