the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The glory of fall.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
sometimes we need to be reminded
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
When you’re here for the treats.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea