the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Doctors texting each other.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
this is so top tier i cant
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle