the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”