@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

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@koalaslament

I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”

@TheMichaelRock

When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.

@jjhartinger

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

@PyJamieParty

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

@daemonic3

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

@sixfootcandy

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

@Michael1979

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill