Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito