The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Care for your back
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
A family that plays together cheats.