The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.