Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

A dead goose is called a ghoost

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?