The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
You Might Also Like
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt