The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.