@TheBoydP

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

- @TheBoydP

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@3sunzzz

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

@katta_IoIkatt

The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.

@truegritrumble

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

@chuuew

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

@007Pepe_Rex

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC