Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

I’ve disappointed better people.