the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
You Might Also Like
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”