The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[shakes fist at other fist]
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.