Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

selfie game

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma