The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please