Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats (2019)

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

my proudest tweet

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here