The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Sign at work today
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?