Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*