Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Sorry. Not sorry

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.