Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Rude much 😂😂😂

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Be vigilant

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood