The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
The Mission Impossible theme song plays as I try to have a balanced meal.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Beware of fowl play.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.