Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀