The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY