The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.