The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.