The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
reminder
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats