The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.