Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

This a good idea

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.