the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
congratulations to them
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
RT if you could go either way.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes