the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
how it started vs how it ended
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper