the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
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the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
when dads have a rap battle
the battle rages on
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
what?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster