The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦