The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
This is Sparta
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???