The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
How to wake up a Beagle
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Probably my best painting.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
