The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You Might Also Like
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough