The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Finally a use for spoilers…
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.