The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Dance like you’re not the father
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
another case of gang violins
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”