Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free