Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

dark side of the loom

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Monica just destroyed the internet

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.