The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
😂😂
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?