My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
baby shoes, never worn.
should have bought adult shoes.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
army general: we were defeated
me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account