The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

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Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁


I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.


For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.


The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity


When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.


The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.


Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s



[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt


army general: we were defeated

me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then