The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Stop
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
May your day taste like creamy soup.