Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing