Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

I dropped my iphone in McDonalds Sprite and that mf started charging

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.