The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.