The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You Might Also Like
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.