The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
stand with me against insufficient seating
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.