The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
More like Kate Missington.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”