The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*launders Kohls cash*
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
This is I, Robot all over again
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
weddings should have a worst man
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am