The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
kevin is now a local weatherman
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.