Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.