the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
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“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.