Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.