The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Time heals everything 🙂
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens