The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
You Might Also Like
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop