the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Couple goals
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.