@bornmiserable

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

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@LurkAtHomeMom

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

@FauxPelini

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

@SinCityChiGirl

If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
#WellThatsAGoodQuestion

@goldengateblond

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

@McClaneJohn2

Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?

@Mr_Kapowski

*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup