the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*