The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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mmm onion ringos
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
True story 🤣
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?