The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
You Might Also Like
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Lmao 🤣
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.