The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
You Might Also Like
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
The days of good grammer has went