The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.