The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no