The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm