The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard