Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….